Blog

Dear you,

May was the month when we first talked in 2020 as I had some academic doubts to ask you and who knew that I would start liking you to this extent someday. You were just like any other person, but there was something unique about you that drew me towards you. Perhaps it was your sarcastic way of talking that kept me hooked. Who knows! 

I’m really trying my best here, but it feels like everything is out of my control. I can’t help but miss you terribly. I texted you on Friday and called you up, but you didn’t pick up. I understand that you might have been busy, but it still left me feeling a bit down. I sent you a message saying that I would try calling again some other day, and I felt bad when you just replied, ‘Okay.’ The next day, I eagerly called you again, but your phone was switched off. I felt disappointed and worried when you didn’t even respond when I asked you about it.

Since then I have been waiting for your reply. It’s hard to admit, but your ignorance hurts me more than words can express. I try to hide it and pretend that everything is okay, but deep down, it’s breaking me from the inside. The worst part is that I don’t even know if you realise it. I tell myself that maybe you’re just busy with work or caught up with something important, but then the doubt creeps in. How can someone be so busy that they can’t even drop a single text to check on the people they care about? It’s the silence that hurts the most. The unanswered messages, the missed calls, the unreturned gestures of love-it all adds up. I don’t think you know the power you hold over me, or how much your absence affects my day.

Have you ever met someone who just gets you? That person who can make you laugh, cry, and feel alive all at the same time? That’s how I feel about you, and I know we don’t have a future together, but I can’t imagine my life without you in it. I know we can’t be in a relationship, as unfortunately, that’s something which’s not possible with you, but I still crave your presence in my life. You’re the one I feel like talking to when I feel down, or when I just need to vent about my day. I know we can never be together in that particular sense. But is that the only bond someone can share?

I don’t know how to say this, but I have to tell you. I’m afraid to admit it, but I really like you. I think about you all the time, and every time I receive a text or a call from you, my heart beats faster. But the last time I confessed my feelings to you, you responded in a way that made me feel like my feelings weren’t valid. You said that people don’t express those kinds of feelings to people they don’t know. It crushed me. What else do you want to know about me? I feel like I’ve already shared almost everything.

I have never seen you in person, and we never had a video call either, we just had a few calls. I don’t even know how you look exactly. Do you know that feeling when you start liking someone without even knowing them in person? It’s like a spark that ignites within you and you can’t seem to shake it off. That’s what’s happening to me right now, and it’s all because of you.

You asked me about studying properly and getting into college. I am uncertain about how you feel towards me. Will you be there in my life once I get into college, and will I be still interested in you then? I wish I knew, but sadly, I don’t. Despite this uncertainty, I can’t help but feel drawn towards you. You are the second person who has made me feel this way, the first being my dream college guy. I always tell myself that it’s just attraction, especially because you ignored me in the beginning, but deep down, I’m not so sure.

You asked me, “How can you like someone without knowing them?” I have to admit, I wasn’t prepared for this question. But as I got to know you, I realised that the things I know about you are enough for me to like you.

I want to say I love you to you once, but I am afraid, I am afraid what if you will judge me, what if you tell me that I am immature, I know all the pros and cons of loving you, I know we just know each other online, we don’t know each other, we don’t have any clue about each other’s habit, we are not compatible, our age gap must be around 12 or 14 but at present I like you, I don’t know what my feelings will be in future when I will get someone compatible of my age, but at present, I want to say I love you, I do a lot, your memories are haunting me, I used to listen to your call recordings sometimes, just 2-3 minutes, I don’t know what’s happening with me, but the dream I saw yesterday that you are getting married is hurting me.

There are lots of questions I want to ask, but I never used to get a chance, and you never answered as well. I asked you about your age, but you didn’t answer. I asked you about your marital status, but you didn’t answer.

Today I was watching the marriage videos of one of your colleagues. I know you might be thinking I am so free, but what to do? I was searching for your name everywhere, but you were nowhere. I tried Facebook, Instagram, Linked In, YouTube, Google, and wherever I could, all others of your age. I mean, your colleagues are there, but not you. Why are you so secretive and mysterious? What exactly do you want?

According to my calculations, if you must be 30 or older and your other colleagues who got married are just 28 or 26 years old, then why are you not married? I know it’s unethical to enter into your personal life so much, but I am helpless. I really have these questions in my head, Aren’t your parents forcing you to marry? Why don’t you answer my questions directly whenever I ask you?

“I feel bad whenever I see you talking with someone, especially at night. If you are married, I won’t text you, but please let me know. I don’t want to lose you. I am afraid of behaving like an immature teenager and want to act like a mature one. I used to receive proposals from others, and that’s maybe why I’m afraid of rejection.”

I am afraid that you will tell me not to get involved in all of this and instead focus on my studies. I acknowledge that you are right, but I can’t help how I feel. Maybe it’s just infatuation or a temporary teenage love, but I still love you. I don’t know what love is exactly, but I just want to tell you that I love you at least once. But I won’t ever, because I am afraid to lose you. I feel I will change, as I am not sure about my feelings, I am afraid that you are someone else in real life or that you won’t accept me. I am afraid I lose my self-confidence if you say no. I am afraid I have to stop advising people about these emotions and all.

As I sit here thinking about you, I can’t help but wonder if you feel the same way I do. Our connection may be virtual, but my feelings for you are very real. I know it’s unconventional and maybe even a little crazy, but love knows no boundaries. Despite the uncertainty and the distance between us, I find comfort in the moments we shared and the conversations we had. To me, that’s what love is all about finding solace in the little things and cherishing the moments that make our hearts skip a beat. I don’t know where this will lead, but I do know that you have captured my heart in a way that no one else has ever had. Despite all these feelings, I am mature enough to understand that I’ll get out of all these real soon and start focusing on myself. Because, rather than being vulnerable and exposed in front of someone else, I would love to be vulnerable in front of myself. 

-Anamika

Hey there! Did you find this letter interesting? Did it keep you engaged? Do let me know in the comments how you feel after reading this. You can also email me aestheticanamikawordpress@gmail.com